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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Tips for Grown-Ups

Ahhh, Halloween. Hallowe'en. All Hallow's Even. The night of the year when adult women in America are allowed and encouraged to dress in flimsy adult-oriented facsimiles of popular icons. I'm particularly fond of the pirate costumes, but I'm a little ashamed to admit that the "Hermione Granger" costume has grown on me somewhat. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not in the least bit ashamed to admit that.
It is also an excuse (as are most holidays, sporting events, weddings, and children's birthday parties) for adults to drink to blind excess. If you want to do that, that's none of my business. Though, I am inclined to think that if your life is so unsatisfying that you need to periodically escape into an alcohol-induced haze, perhaps it would be more productive to find a hobby or take an interesting class at the local community college. However, I am not a self-help guru. I am more of a don't-make-your-problems-my-problems guru.
Anyway, if your intent is to get blitzed tonight (or any other night), here are a couple of things to keep in mind. When you are drunk, you are really only tolerable to other drunk people. The cashiers at the 24-Hour Taco Bell are not as amused by your continuously ordering a Big Mac as you might think. I guarantee that they aren't paid enough to deal with your crap, either. Just bear that in mind, when you stumble out of the bars and into the civilized world.
Second, "I was drunk, dude" is not an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. Alcohol impairs your judgment but does not absolve you of any responsibility for actions resulting from that impaired judgment. Anybody who lets you off the hook because you were "so hammered" is enabling personality flaws that could (and should) get you into major trouble someday.
Finally, if you're going to drink, don't drive. If you're going to drive, don't drink. Now, don't worry, I'm not going to go all soft here and tell you that I'm just trying to save your life. I'm not. I'm trying to save mine.
My life and the lives of my family and the small circle of people who manage not to irritate me are of far greater value to me than your life or what you view as your personal freedoms. Don't drink and drive. I have a cell phone, if I see someone driving who I think might be impaired, I call them in to the police. Don't think that because you're wearing a SpongeBob Squarepants costume I'm going to cut you any slack tonight.
As an addendum to the above tip, let me just add that you should value your designated driver. Anyone who's willing to put up with your drunk dumb ass in their car for an evening is a candidate for sainthood.
I certainly wouldn't do it.
Happy Halloween, piglets!

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