Well, there seems to be a bit of a crime spree going on among Hollywood starlets these days, and I'm hearing a great deal of uproar about how Paris Hilton and others are being given preferential treatment.
I heard someone say, "There's one standard of punishment for celebrities, and one for everyone else."
Well, while nothing gets my ire up more than unfairness or inequality in the justice system, I'm inclined this time to say that I'm in favor of different punishments for celebrities.
I have a proposal for Paris Hilton and her attorneys.
Paris, you can step right out of "jail" this moment and go on one year's "specialized celebrity probation."
Under the terms of your probation, you will be free to come and go as you please, attend parties and premieres, party your brains out (sorry, the irony of that last metaphor made me giggle a bit), and continue to live your over-privileged superficial existence just as you always have. However, for that one year, the mention of your name on radio or television or showing any still or video pictures of you will be considered an FCC violation punishable by a fine of $1,000,000 per occurrence. Paparazzi can take as many pictures of you as their little reptilian hearts desire, but for a period of one year, those pictures will become the temporary property of the state, not publishable in magazines, books, or on the web. (So, if Tara Reid wants to see her drug-addled smile in US magazine, she'd better not stand next to you at the premiere of Jackass 3: Nothing Left To Do But Set Ourselves On Fire.) All Paris Hilton fan websites will be shut down for the term of your probation under the new "OMG! GT A LYF!" ordinance.
Basically, for the period of one year, you will not be publicly discussed, displayed, or "exploited." Frankly, we think you'll appreciate the quiet. (We know we will.)
What? This just in, folks. While you were all reading that, Paris decided that jail ain't so bad after all. She has moved into the general population in prison, joined a gang, and is having the words "Livin' on the Edge" tattooed on her butt my a large woman named Pearl.